The New York Times is giving prominence to a new report by Larry Bumpass and Kelly Musick that seems to show a decline in marital happiness after three years of marriage. The professors, the reporter, and the experts queried go on about the possible effects of today's instant gratification lifestyle, or the effects of widespread cohabitation before marriage, or perhaps of the later marriage age that is common now.
What none of the voices in the article mention, though, is whether these unhappy marrieds had kids. Measuring marital happiness without asking about kids is like writing restaurant reviews without mentioning the food.
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I wonder if it is also worth distinguishing "happiness" and "joy." I saw Dana Gilbert (Stumbling on Happiness) interviewed recently on his new popular book. He said that marriage and religion both correlate positively with happiness. He said that children tend to decrease happiness, and that more children tends to lead (in the short term) to more unhappiness. So it would be interesting to see how children affect happiness, both in the short term, and also over years and decades.
Maybe joy, maybe satisfaction, or meaning. I am not sure what the term is, but I do know that most parents rate having kids the best and most important thing they ever did. Kids may reduce marital happiness, at least in the short run, but they seem to increase, even be the basis of, what might be called familial happiness in the long run.
I was out walking with a friend last night and he said that he identifies two distinct forms or periods of marriage: the without kids and with kids versions. No question about it.
Things have been stressful after seven years of marriage, but my husband and I expected it though. With three children five and under, there is always a diaper to change, load of laundry, or dishes in the sink. On average it is said, that pre-school children get into a conflict about 5 times within one hour of playing. But just yesterday was my husband's 30th birthday and 'we' surprised him at work with balloons at lunch. Of course his co-workers congratulated on his birthday, but they were more impressed with his family.
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